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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22809853">hold me closer (i forgot how you feel)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bellamione Cult's Valentine's Event 2020, Discord: Bellamione Cult, F/F, Past Relationship(s), Valentine's Day</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 10:06:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,100</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22809853</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>She’s angry at Bellatrix and in pain but she’s never been able to resist comforting Bellatrix. She wraps her arms around Bellatrix and Bellatrix wastes no time wrapping her arms around Hermione. Hermione presses her face against Bellatrix’s curls and hopes she doesn’t cry. “I miss you, pet.” Bellatrix admits again, as if saying it enough will make it true. That’s not exactly fair. She knows Bellatrix still cares, despite everything.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hermione Granger/Bellatrix Black Lestrange</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>136</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>hold me closer (i forgot how you feel)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoaringJe/gifts">SoaringJe</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hermione’s favorite holiday has always been Valentine’s Day and not for any of the reasons people like to think. </p><p>She’s heard a lot of jokes and theories over the years and all of them were wrong. </p><p><i>The standoffish bookworm is actually a romantic</i>. This led to an annoying semester in high school where the school was convinced she was hiding romance novels behind her books. Her classmates would take turns snatching whatever book she’s reading out of her hands as if to reveal a book beneath. She never had one but it didn’t stop them from laughing and guffawing like a pack of animals. </p><p><i>She wants to be swept off her feet</i>. Boys generally avoided her and didn’t ask her out but some of them got it into their heads that her affinity for Valentine’s Day meant that they stood a chance. The amount of awkward flirting, awful rejections, and the public nature of it all caused her to become the prudish ice queen. It’s not that she meant to hurt anyone’s feelings, she just didn’t want to go out with them or be some challenge for them to overcome. She wasn’t interested in anyone during high school anyways.</p><p><i>She’s actually a girly-girl in disguise</i>. At the time, that’s the one she took the most offense to. She hated the girls who fawned over boys, makeup, and whatever else Hermione classified as less than. She thought it was all vapid and a waste of time. If they weren’t getting anything from it, like knowledge from a book, it was useless. Worse, it was embarrassing. Their obsession with trends and femininity set women back, so she thought. It took college and a combination of Tonks and Lavender to break her out of that toxic mindset. </p><p>All in all, she hated high school. </p><p>The real reason she loves Valentine’s Day has nothing to do with the need to be desired, an act of femininity, or a secret love of love. It was that to her, Valentine’s Day was a day of love. There’s no tricks or ulterior motive to it, no secrets she harbored.</p><p>Her parents spent her childhood making every holiday special but none more so than Valentine’s Day. They weren’t always around that much since they both worked. She spent more time alone in the house than not. They struggled to get holidays off, especially the “big ones”. Valentine’s Day was the one holiday they consistently got off work; sometimes it would be the only one. They would both spend the entire day with her and the house wouldn’t be empty. </p><p>They’d gather on the couch and watch cheesy romance movies with snacks and drinks. Her dad would question the logic of the movies and refuse to believe people can fall in love in a week while her mother tossed popcorn at him. Her mom would tell her with the utmost seriousness that love doesn’t have one way and everyone falls in love differently and to never listen to her dad. Her dad, taking offense, would tell stories about how they fell in love. Her mom would roll her eyes and pretend it didn’t make her happy every time. </p><p>They’d buy her chocolate, usually just a small amount, and then make her brush her teeth right after. Having dentists for parents is as uncool as it sounds. She’d make them something every time Valentine’s Day rolled around. One year she made her dad a birdhouse because he’d been recently fascinated by birds; even after his interest faded he kept it. She made her mom a platter to keep her keys. Even though her mom is one of the smartest people she knows, she loses her keys several times throughout the day. </p><p>That’s why Valentine’s Day is and always will be her favorite holiday.</p><p>She got to college and she started spending her Valentine’s Days with her friends. The first year was the hardest since it was the first time she didn’t spend the holiday with her parents. It started with just Harry and Ron when she told them it was an important holiday to her. They showed up that first Valentine’s Day with takeout and movies. She argued against Ron’s choices but he had Harry on his side. That’s how she spent the night watching <i>Speed</i> and <i>John Wick</i>.</p><p>The rest of their friend group fell in over the years. </p><p>Draco started coming by when he started dating Harry, Ginny started coming when she moved in with Ron, Luna started coming when she started dating Ginny, Tonks started hosting it with Hermione when they moved in together. </p><p>Living with Tonks is an experience but Hermione didn’t expect anything less. </p><p>Hermione was sitting in the middle of an intro class in her summer semester when Tonks swung into the seat next to her. Hermione was beginning to realize more about herself during college and part of that was figuring out that her intense distaste for Fleur during high school was actually a crush. Tonks, rainbow dyed hair and all, just grinned at her and proclaimed them “class buddies”. She hinted and nudged at Hermione for weeks. She never outright called Hermione out but she’d drop obscure references and then watch Hermione’s reaction. </p><p>“You know, you could just ask.” Hermione had finally said halfway through Tonk’s careful plans to go out that weekend. That weekend which Hermione knew had the city’s pride parade. </p><p>She’ll always remember that day. Watching the floats go by as Tonks dances in place beside her. The glitter that would cling to her skin for days. Tonks’ blue, pink, and white hair whipping to and fro. The older woman in suspenders who somehow knew it was her first time at pride and gave her a hug.</p><p>That’s the first time Tonks ever dragged her somewhere, the first and last time they kissed, and the first time Hermione went to her second favorite holiday. </p><p>After the semester ended, Tonks kept in contact with her. They went from friends in class to friends and then eventually roommates. </p><p>She hates people’s expressions or idiotic comments about how her favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day.</p><p>Harry had winced and claimed boyfriend trauma from past Valentine’s Days and Ron snorted and called it a girl holiday. Hermione defended herself claiming she didn’t like it for that reason and eventually he dropped it. </p><p>Tonks dyed her hair pink and put up streamers around their flat when Hermione told her. </p><p>She also lectured Hermione for two weeks when Hermione complained about it being a girl holiday. It was surreal because up until then, it was always Hermione lecturing Tonks: drink more responsibly, take out the trash when it’s full, don’t barge in without knocking. Tonks turned the tables and ripped into Hermione. Lavender across the hall happened to overhear one of Tonks’ tirades and backed her up. After a while, Hermione got it. It wasn’t backwards of women to live as they wanted to, but it was backwards of Hermione to put women over it. </p><p>Tonks made her admit she was being an ass and Lavender made her wear pink for three weeks straight before she let up. </p><p>They all turned their sights to Ron after that.</p><p>Valentine’s became a staple for their friend group. Everyone knew to clear their schedules and show up at Hermione and Tonks’ place.</p><p>This Valentine’s Day should be the same as always, right?</p><p>It’s not and everyone knows it but not a single person says anything. They’re smart like that. </p><p>“This is the worst chocolate in the world, which of you pricks brought it?” Ron’s face is twisted and he looks like he’s seriously considering spitting it out.</p><p>“I noted the type of chocolate you usually eat, the colors you’re attracted to, and estimated the likelihood that you’d eat them. Then, I researched a chocolate so terrible it made children cry and I put it into the container created solely to lure you in.” Pansy says without looking away from Lavender’s new dress. Hermione wouldn’t have bet on them lasting in a million years. As it turns out, their intensity that scares everyone else away lines up perfectly. </p><p>Ron looks horrified at Pansy’s plotting. Draco’s grinning with Harry’s arm tossed over his shoulders. “Really?”</p><p>“No, you dunce. I forget you exist when I’m not forced to look at you.”</p><p>“Who brought them then!”</p><p>Ginny’s laughing hard enough that Luna has to hold onto her to keep her from rolling off the couch. “You should have seen your face!” </p><p>“Oi!” Ron launches after Ginny and she springs off the couch, running away.</p><p>“We’ve invited children into our home.” Tonks sighs, watching Ron’s hand narrowly miss a stack of books that Padma gave Tonks. </p><p>“We should just ban every Weasley from attending.” Draco drawls loud enough for the siblings to hear. Pansy nods along seriously. Ron and Ginny stop, look at each other, nod, and charge Draco. He yelps and Harry intercepts, taking the tackles for his boyfriend. Draco walks over to Hermione, who he knows is safe from any of their shenanigans, and pretends he isn’t hiding behind her.</p><p>It’s a good Valentine’s Day. They watch all of the <i>Mummy</i> movies and have a blast. It’s all fine.</p><p>Hermione isn’t thinking about how last Valentine’s Day was different. She isn’t thinking about how Bellatrix sat by her on the couch, bickering with Tonks and dissecting the movies. She doesn’t think about making plans to live with Bellatrix or the way their fingers fit together. She doesn’t think about the Bellatrix shaped silhouette missing in her life. </p><p>She wishes the others wouldn’t keep looking at her like they’re waiting for her to break down. She notices that they carefully never mention Bellatrix. </p><p>The night comes to a close and the others start trickling out. Pansy surprisingly pulls her into a brief but tight hug and gives her a knowing smile. </p><p>Eventually, they’re all gone.</p><p>“I can help clean up.” Tonks offers, rocking back and forth on her heels.</p><p>Hermione rolls her eyes at her well intentioned roommate. “It’s Valentine’s Day, go see your girlfriend. I can handle a few bowls.” </p><p>“Are you sure?” Tonks’ voice turns serious.</p><p>“I’ll be fine, thanks. I promise.” Hermione assures her with a smile. Tonks accepts it finally and leaves after kissing Hermione’s cheek. </p><p>She cleans up and then doesn’t really know what to do with herself. She kept up a good face throughout the whole day but she feels is falling now. She breathes out and looks out the window. </p><p>There’s a knock at the door and Hermione dries her hands off on a towel. “Tonks, did you forget your keys again?” She opens the door and freezes.</p><p>“Hello, pet.” </p><p>Hermione’s eyes widen. “What’re you doing here?”</p><p>Bellatrix smiles slightly, trying to hide her nerves. “It’s Valentine’s Day.”</p><p>“We broke up.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah we did.” Bellatrix sighs sadly, looking away from Hermione. “That’s not what this is about. It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m not letting you spend the night alone.”</p><p>“It’s not really your concern anymore, is it?” Hermione crosses her arms.</p><p>Bellatrix’s nerves fade and she slides into the apartment, ignoring Hermione’s complaints. “That’s where you’re wrong.” Bellatrix turns and gives her an unimpressed look. Hermione locks her jaw and doesn't move to shut the door. “Gods, you’re in a mood.” Bellatrix rolls her eyes and looks around the flat.</p><p>“Get out.” </p><p>“Not happening.” Bellatrix takes off her jacket and tosses on the table. She plops down on the couch, kicks her feet up on the table, and doesn’t acknowledge Hermione’s sounds of discontent. “<i>Finding Dory</i>, really? You’re just trying to soak in your<br/>
misery.”</p><p>“It’s a good movie.” Hermione replies defensively, finally closing the door.</p><p>“I’ve seen you pretend not to cry during it at least three times.” Bellatrix raises an eyebrow, looking absolutely unimpressed. </p><p>“Why me?” Hermione pinches the bridge of her nose, feeling a stress headache building. Dealing with Bellatrix on Valentine’s Day wasn’t exactly what she was planning. She hasn’t even dealt with her feelings on the breakup.</p><p>“Incredibly mature.” Bellatrix taunts. She leans over and pulls a gift out of her jacket.</p><p>“Are you really calling me immature? I’m not the one with temperament issues.”</p><p>“Gods, pet. I didn’t come here to rehash our fights or go through our breakup again.” </p><p>“Then why did you come here?” Hermione hates how her voice breaks. Bellatrix looks at her miserably before standing. Hermione swallows heavily, fighting against the gathering tears. </p><p>“Hermione, this isn’t easy for me either. I miss you.” Bellatrix breathes out, her head knocking against Hermione’s. <i>I miss you</i> gets stuck in Hermione’s chest, wrapping around her heart in a grip tight enough that it hurts and strains. </p><p>It’s all she’s been able to think since that night, the last fight. She can’t take this. Not tonight of all nights. “Maybe you enjoy torturing me but it’s not as fun from this end.” </p><p>“It used to be.” Bellatrix murmurs and Hermione only just doesn’t flinch. She sounds nostalgic, regretful. It’s too much for Hermione. </p><p>“A lot of things used to be.” </p><p>“I know.” Bellatrix’s voice sounds hoarse and hurt that Hermione moves without thinking. She’s angry at Bellatrix and in pain but she’s never been able to resist comforting Bellatrix. She wraps her arms around Bellatrix and Bellatrix wastes no time wrapping her arms around Hermione. Hermione presses her face against Bellatrix’s curls and hopes she doesn’t cry. “I miss you, pet.” Bellatrix admits again, as if saying it enough will make it true. That’s not exactly fair. She knows Bellatrix still cares, despite everything.</p><p>There goes her hopes of not crying. She holds onto Bellatrix like it can fix something, all their broken parts. </p><p>“I know.” Hermione replies. She sniffles and tries to pull back only for Bellatrix to not let go. “I think I’ll always miss you.”</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Bellatrix rarely apologizes. Hearing Bellatrix apologize...it doesn’t help. She’s apologizing but it isn’t her fault, not really. </p><p>“No, I’m sorry.” </p><p>“I’m so tired of this.” Bellatrix’s hand tightens on Hermione’s jacket in distress.</p><p>Hermione rocks them to and fro, closing her eyes and counting to three. She misses Bellatrix to the point of physical pain. They’d been together for a long time, their lives were entwined. They were going to move in together, she was close to Bellatrix’s sisters, they had friends in common. It’s more than just losing a girlfriend, it’s losing a piece of herself. “You should go.” Bellatrix clutches tighter for a moment before letting go.</p><p>“If that’s what you really want.” Bellatrix looks like she blames Hermione for pulling back.</p><p>“Don’t do that.” Hermione wipes a tear away, this whole affair is only hurting them both more. “You broke up with me, you aren’t supposed to want me around.”</p><p>“I always want you around. If you just-” Bellatrix cuts herself off, rant already starting. The same argument they always have, the one that ultimately led to their end. The one thing Hermione can’t do and the very thing Bellatrix needs.</p><p>“Goodbye, Bella.” Hermione smiles but it falls flat.</p><p>“Don’t say it like that.” Bellatrix’s voice tips to anger. Bellatrix has always been prone to anger, it's one of the reasons why they fought like cats and dogs. </p><p>“Like what?”</p><p>“Like we’ll never see each other again.”</p><p>“Maybe we shouldn’t. Who is this helping?” </p><p>Bellatrix bites her lip before thrusting the gift forward. Hermione takes it and ignores the flustered feeling when their fingers brush. She opens the gift and looks up at a hopeful Bellatrix. “Just one movie, watch it with me? I don’t want to leave you alone tonight and…I don’t want to be alone either.” </p><p>Hermione’s a strong woman but even strong women break underneath the heavy pleading gaze of Bellatrix Black. “Fine, just the one.” She takes out <i>Finding Dory</i> and slips in <i>Frozen II</i>. She ignores Bellatrix sniggers begins her, Hermione already knows why she’s laughing. It’s never failed to amuse Bellatrix that Hermione refuses to switch to digital movies.</p><p>Hermione meant it. She was only going to watch one movie with Bellatrix and then kick her out. Except then Bellatrix laughs during the funny bits, Hermione’s always been weak for her laugh. She hums along to the songs even though she’d put a hit out on Hermione if she ever breathed a word of it. She hides her smiles or frowns when the movie starts getting to her. </p><p>She also inches closer to Hermione throughout the movie. Somehow by the time the first movie ends, Hermione’s head is resting against Bellatrix's shoulder while she lazily rubs patterns into her hip. The movie ends and Hermione isn’t done with the night, not yet.</p><p>There’s a beat where Hermione almost expects Bellatrix to say it. The same tease she always does. How if Hermione would just use streaming then she wouldn’t have to move out of Bellatrix’s arms. She doesn’t and it’s obvious to Hermione, likely Bellatrix as well, how different everything is. </p><p>Why does it feel so easy then? Why does she sink into Bellatrix and think nothing of it?</p><p>“So, another?” Bellatrix asks lowly, careful not to disturb the atmosphere they’ve found themselves in. </p><p>Bellatrix has to know Hermione would agree. “Any preferences?”</p><p>Hermione feels Bellatrix’s pleased smile curve against her head. “<i>WALL-E</i>.” Hermione snorts before breaking down into laughter. Bellatrix laughs beneath her, her fingers curling Hermione’s hair. They’d argued over who Ginny and Luna were in regards to WALL-E and EVE for most of their relationship together. </p><p>Hermione full-heartedly believes that Ginny would be WALL-E and Luna would be EVE whereas Bellatrix thought the opposite. It was one of their favorite arguments but it was always fun, it wasn’t one that contributed to their breakup. </p><p>“Bella, what does this all mean?” Hermione finally asks. She knows it’s not just her who notices how easy and familiar this is. She can’t be the only with butterflies in her stomach and flooded with memories of what was.</p><p>“I don’t know. What we want it to, I suppose. I just know I miss you. Who else am I going to send vomiting emojis to when Lucius kisses Narcissa? I just want you back in my life, however that may be.”</p><p>Hermione breathes out a sigh of relief. She doesn’t know where this will lead them, what they will become to each other, but Hermione knows it’s the right choice. It has to be. Bellatrix is too important to Hermione to just disappear from her life.</p><p>Hermione has always spent Valentine’s Day with her family and today is no different.</p>
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